- [throws tantrum] - OH, NO.
WHO WOKE THE BABY?
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TELL HIM SOME BEDSIDE STORIES
TO CALM HIM DOWN. - YOU'RE A GOOD BABY.
- LIKE THE ONE ABOUT THE DRUG LORD
WHO STUCK OUT HIS NECK.
OR THE GUY WHO GOT WAXED BY A TURTLE.
- WHOA. - WHOA.
- HOW ABOUT THE STONERS WHOSE INVENTION BLEW UP
IN THEIR FACE?
AND THE WOMAN WHO GOT POTTY-MOUTHED?
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY DIRT, SHEILA?
- THERE'S A GLUTTON WHO ATE HIMSELF OUT.
- [coughs] - ALL WAR...
- AND THE FEMINIST THAT HATES SALAMIS.
THEY ALL EXPIRE HAPPILY EVER AFTER...
- BUMMER.
- ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,
INJURY, ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE IN SOUTHEAST ASIA
IS WHERE MOST OF THE WORLD'S OPIUM IS GROWN.
IT PULLS IN BILLIONS FOR THE DRUG LORDS
WHO HIRE GUYS LIKE TING TO PROTECT THEIR PROFITS.
- IF YOU'RE CAUGHT TRYING TO POACH POPPY FIELDS
IN THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE,
WHAT THESE DRUG CARTELS WILL DO IS TORTURE YOU.
ONE OF THE WAYS THEY'LL TORTURE YOU
IS TAKE A HUNGRY RAT, PUT IT IN A BOX,
AND THEN SHOVE YOUR HEAD IN THE BOX
AND LET THE RAT EAT YOUR FACE OFF
INTO YOUR EYEBALLS, INTO YOUR BRAIN,
AND KILL YOU THAT WAY.
- TING HAD HIS OWN SPECIAL WAY OF DISCOURAGING TRESPASSERS.
IN FACT, TING HAD A THING FOR HEADS.
AFTER CUTTING THEM OFF,
HE WOULD MOUNT THEM ON POSTS AROUND THE COMPOUND
AS A HEADS UP WARNING TO OTHER POTENTIAL POACHERS.
[women laughing]
MOST OF THE TIME,
TING WOULD SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE PERKS OF THE JOB.
[cell phone rings]
BUT WHEN DUTY CALLED... - OKAY.
- HE WAS ALL BUSINESS.
JUST ANOTHER COUPLE OF DRUG LORD WANNABES
WHO THOUGHT THEY'D GO INTO BUSINESS FOR THEMSELVES.
[shouting]
TING WAS ON THEM LIKE A FLY ON WATER BUFFALO DUNG.
[speaking native language]
BUT HE GOT TURNED AROUND IN THE HEAT OF THE CHASE
AND FORGOT ABOUT A NEW BOOBY TRAP WIRE
HE HAD RIGGED A FEW DAYS AGO.
AND TING'S HEAD AND HIS BODY WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.
- THIS GUY WAS TRAVELING ALONG AT SUCH HIGH SPEED,
HE RAN INTO BARBED WIRE RIGHT AT THE LEVEL OF HIS NECK.
THE SHARP BARBS ON THE WIRE CUT THROUGH THE SOFT TISSUE.
AND THE WIRE ITSELF, ACTING LIKE A GARROTE,
TOOK HIS HEAD RIGHT OFF.
- THE DRUG TRADE IS A DANGEROUS AND RISKY BUSINESS.
TING FLIPPED HIS DEATH COIN IN THE AIR.
AND WHEN IT CAME DOWN,
IT READ "HEADS, YOU LOSE."
JOE AND CHARLIE WERE A CONTRADICTION.
INDUSTRIOUS STONERS.
TODAY'S PROJECT THE CLAYMAKER 420.
THE GREATEST AND MOST RADICAL BONG EVER.
- SWEET.
- THEY GOT THEIR HANDS
ON SOME POTTERY CLAY
AND WENT TO WORK.
- I'VE SEEN BONGS IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.
I'VE SEEN SEVEN FOOT BONGS THAT YOU GOT TO TAKE APART
LIKE A POOL STICK.
I'VE SEEN BONGS THAT YOU PLUG INTO THE WALL.
- THE CLAYMAKER 420 WAS DESIGNED WITH A UNIQUE FEATURE
THAT WOULD SET IT APART FROM ANY OTHER BONG
IN THE STONER KINGDOM.
FLAVOR DISCS.
- WAKE AND BACON, DUDE.
- LET'S SAY YOU JUST WOKE UP
AND YOU'RE READY TO WAKE AND BAKE.
HOW ABOUT A HIT OF BACON-FLAVORED WEED?
YOU'LL NEED A HIT OF COFFEE TO GO WITH THAT TOO.
OR SUCK DOWN A LUNGFUL OF ORANGE-FLAVORED SMOKE.
- SWEET.
- AFTER A FEW HOURS OF HARD WORK,
THE INDUSTRIOUS STONERS SAT BACK TO MARVEL
AT THEIR CREATION.
- WHOA. - WHOA.
- THE CLAYMAKER 420.
- WE'RE GONNA BE RICH, BRO.
- BEFORE THEY COULD START RAKING IN THE DOUGH,
THEY FIRST HAD TO FIRE THE CLAY.
- HEY. - HEY, WHAT'S UP?
- ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS HAD A HOMEMADE KILN
IN HER BACKYARD.
THEY POPPED OVER, DROPPED IT IN...
- I HAVE TO TURN THE GAS ON.
- AND WHILE THEY WAITED FOR IT TO BAKE,
THEY GOT BAKED.
AFTER A WASTED WHILE,
THE TWO STONERS WENT TO CHECK ON THEIR CREATION.
- IT'S NOT EVEN WARM.
- THE MAKESHIFT KILN HAD FLAMED OUT.
NOTHING A LIT MATCH COULDN'T FIX.
THEIR INVENTION WENT FROM BONG TO BOMB.
TURNING THE CLAY INTO DEADLY SHARDS OF SHRAPNEL.
- PROPANE POOLING IS CAUSED BY THE WEIGHT OF PROPANE.
PROPANE'S HEAVIER THAN AIR
SO IT TENDS TO SETTLE TO THE LOWER PARTS
OF THE INSIDE OF A KILN OR AREA THAT'S NOT WELL VENTILATED.
IN A CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION LIKE THIS,
THE GAS HAS BEEN ON.
AND SO IT'S BEEN COLLECTING INSIDE.
SO APPARENTLY WHEN THEY WENT TO IGNITE IT,
THERE WAS ALREADY A POOL OF PROPANE IN THERE
CAUSING THE EXPLOSION.
- THE CLAYMAKER 420 COULD'VE MADE JOE AND CHARLIE
A BUNDLE.
INSTEAD, IT COST THEM THEIR LIVES.
- BUMMER.
- COMING UP, A BIG GLUTTON EATS HIS HEART OUT.
- [coughs]
- AND A BIG BABY GETS A TIME-OUT.
- [throws tantrum]
- THERE'S FOUR WORDS THAT GET BIG MIKE
OUT POUNDING THE PAVEMENT:
"ALL YOU CAN EAT."
HE SPENDS HIS DAYS GOING FROM ONE CHINESE BUFFET
TO THE NEXT.
TODAY WAS FRIDAY,
WHICH MEANT IT WAS MADAME CHANG'S TURN
TO TAKE THE BIG HIT.
- WELL, WHEN A PERSON COMES IN AND WON'T STOP EATING,
IT CAN CERTAINLY CUT INTO THE PROFIT MARGIN.
IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING
WHEN PEOPLE COME IN THE RESTAURANT
AND THEY JUST WON'T LEAVE-- THEY SIT THERE FOR HOURS ON END
AND ORDER, YOU KNOW, DISH AFTER DISH.
- MIKE WAS ADDICTED
TO THE CHINESE FOOD ENHANCER MSG.
IT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT.
IT MADE HIM WANT TO EAT MORE.
AFTER HIS FIFTH PLATE OF SPARE RIBS,
HE HIT A SPEED BUMP.
- [coughing]
- HIYA.
- [coughs]
- QUICK ACTION ON MADAME CHANG'S PART
AND MIKE GOT BACK ON HIS FEED.
AFTER BREAKING HIS OWN RECORD FOR STUFFING HIS FACE,
IT WAS TIME TO GO.
- NO TIP?
- [scoffs] I'M NOT GONNA TIP YOU.
- DON'T COME BACK! - DON'T WORRY. HE WON'T.
THE AMOUNT OF MSG THAT HAD BUILT UP IN HIS SYSTEM
WAS WREAKING HAVOC ON HIS FAT, CLOGGED HEART.
HE HAD SHORTNESS OF BREATH.
A SHARP PAIN SHOT UP HIS LEFT ARM.
HIS EYES GREW WIDE AND HE HIT THE DECK
LIKE A GIANT EGG ROLL.
- OUR HEARTS ACTUALLY HAVE GLUTAMATE RECEPTORS.
INGESTING LARGE AMOUNTS OF THIS MSG,
WHICH IS MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE,
CAN LEAD TO ARRHYTHMIAS.
IF AN ARRHYTHMIA IS SUSTAINED, IT CAN LEAD TO DEATH.
- A FUNNY THING
ABOUT MIKE'S CHINESE FOOD RELATED HEART ATTACK,
AN HOUR LATER, HE WANTED TO DIE AGAIN.
WHAT A LOVELY SCENE.
A YOUNG DADDY PREPARING A NURSERY FOR HIS FIRSTBORN.
- BABY'S GONNA LOVE THAT.
- I KNOW.
- IS THERE ANYTHING SWEETER THAN WELCOMING A NEW LIFE
INTO THIS WORLD?
NO, THERE ISN'T.
AND YOU WON'T FIND IT ON THIS SHOW.
- HOW'S MY LITTLE BABY?
- AH AH.
- DADDY IS ACTUALLY A WEIRDO NAMED BARNABY.
HE GETS OFF BY DRESSING UP IN SNUGGIES
AND BEING TREATED LIKE A BABY.
- CAN YOU SAY MOMMY? MOMMY?
- MOMMY IS HIS WIFE CANDELA.
HIS PARTNER IN PERVERSION.
- SUCH A GOOD BABY. YES, YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.
- TOGETHER, THEY'VE TAKEN THEIR FETISH TO A NEW LEVEL.
- YES.
- A MAN-SIZED CRIB
AND A LARGER-THAN-LIFE NURSERY
ADD UP TO A COMPLETELY OVER-THE-TOP EXPLORATION
IN ADULT BABY ROLE PLAYING.
- BABY WANT THE BOOBY. THE BOOBY.
- BREASTFEEDING AT MY AGE
DEFINITELY SEEMS COMPLETELY NORMAL
AND NOT A DISORDER, BECAUSE THIS IS MY WAY OF LIFE.
THIS IS ALL I KNOW.
- BABY BARNABY ESPECIALLY ENJOYS HIS FEEDING SESSIONS.
- LATCH ON TO THAT NIPPLE. THAT'S RIGHT.
- AND HIS DIAPER CHANGES. - DIRTY BOY.
- OH! NAUGHTY BOY. OH, GOODNESS.
- NO. - NO CRYING! NO CRYING.
- EVEN GOOD BABIES HAVE THEIR MOMENTS.
- [throws tantrum]
- MOMMY'S BOOBIES NEED A REST.
- THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH.
MOMMY'S LEAVING.
- SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LET BABIES WORK IT OUT
BY THEMSELVES.
- [throws tantrum]
- NOW HE'S DONE IT.
OH, THE RUG RAT WANTS HIS FURRY BACK.
BARNABY'S ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE
WHY THE GOVERNMENT RECENTLY OUTLAWED ALL DROP-SIDE CRIBS.
UH-OH. THE LITTLE GUY'S GOT AN OWEE.
DOES BABY NEED A BAND-AID FOR HIS BROKEN NECK BOO-BOO?
DROP-SIDE CRIBS POSE A RISK FOR ANY BABY.
FOR THIS ADULT-SIZED ONE,
THE 25-POUND GATE DROPPED WITH ENOUGH FORCE
TO SEVER THE SPINE BETWEEN THE SECOND AND THIRD VERTEBRAE.
HE LOST THE ABILITY TO CONTROL HIS DIAPHRAGM
AND STOPPED BREATHING.
- BABY WANT THE BOOBY.
- BARNABY GOT HIS KICKS BY BEING TREATED LIKE A BABY.
- NAUGHTY BOY.
- BUT THEN HIS FUN WAS CAUGHT SHORT BY S.I.D.S.
SUDDEN INFANTILE DUMB-ASS SYNDROME.
NIGHTY NIGHT, YOU TWISTED LITTLE FREAK.
UP NEXT, A BALD EAGLE BEATS OUT A BALD POACHER
AND... - UH, SHEILA?
- A WOMAN GIVES NEW MEANING TO...
- WHAT IS IT, MARTY? - DISHING THE DIRT.
- WHEN MR. AND MRS. CHOW GO FOR A HIKE,
THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT NATURE.
THEY SEE DOLLAR SIGNS.
THE CHOWS SELLS BUGS, BIRDS, SNAKES, AND OTHER CRITTERS
ON THE WILDLIFE BLACK MARKET.
IT'S A CUTTHROAT BUSINESS
WHERE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS
IS THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR.
- THE WILD ANIMAL TRADE
IS A MULTIBILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS WORLDWIDE.
PEOPLE GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO GET THESE ANIMALS,
TO SELL THESE ANIMALS.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE, THEY WANT TO MAKE A PROFIT.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE WELFARE OF THE ANIMAL.
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE THAT ANIMAL.
AND OFTENTIMES,
EVEN IF THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP IT ALIVE,
THAT ANIMAL'S GOING TO DIE.
- IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHOWS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES
ON THE HUNT.
A BALD EAGLE IS A FORMIDABLE PLAYER
ON THE FOOD CHAIN.
IT'S THE CHOWS' LUCKY DAY.
THEY SPOT A RARE MOSAIC-BACK TURTLE.
IT'S A BLACK MARKET JACKPOT.
BETWEEN THE SHELL AND THE MEAT,
THEY COULD MAKE A QUICK THOUSAND DOLLARS.
MR. CHOW MIGHT KNOW A GOOD DEAL WHEN HE SEES ONE,
BUT HE'S NO MATCH FOR AN EAGLE
IN THE EYESIGHT DEPARTMENT.
BEFORE HE CAN COUNT HIS MONEY,
THE BIG RAPTOR SWOOPS DOWN
AND FLIES OFF WITH HIS PRIZE.
[shouting in native language]
TO REALLY MAKE IT IN THE WILDLIFE BLACK MARKET,
YOU NEED SOME PRETTY THICK SKIN.
CHOW COULD'VE USED A THICK SKULL AS WELL.
- AAH!
- BIRDS CAN BE VERY INTELLIGENT.
AND WE'VE ACTUALLY SEEN EAGLES SWOOPING DOWN
AND PICKING UP TURTLES,
TAKING THEM UP,
DROPPING THEM ON HARD SURFACES SUCH AS A ROCK FACE
TO BE ABLE TO BREAK THE CARAPACE--
THE HARD SHELL OF THE TORTOISE OR TURTLE--
AND GET INTO THAT NICE MEAT.
- THE TURTLE HIT CHOW'S HEAD SO HARD,
IT SMASHED THROUGH HIS SKULL PLATE
AND DESTROYED THE UPPER PART OF HIS CEREBRUM.
THIS TOOK OUT HIS ABILITY TO BREATHE
AND TRIGGERED CARDIAC ARREST ENOUGH TO KILL HIM--TWICE.
MR. CHOW MADE A NICE LIVING BY RIPPING OFF MOTHER NATURE.
SHE RETURNED THE FAVOR
AND MADE A NICE DEATH OUT OF HIM.
- [screaming]
- SHEILA AND MARTY WERE NEIGHBORS.
- UH, SHEILA?
- WHICH MEANS TO SAY THEY HATED EACH OTHER.
- WHAT IS IT, MARTY?
- MARTY WAS AN OVERZEALOUS ECO WARRIOR.
- I FOUND THESE BATTERIES IN YOUR TRASH.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS:
NEXT TIME, I'LL SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS, MARTY.
- SHEILA WAS AN EXECUTIVE AT A FAILING SAVINGS AND LOAN.
LATELY, STRESS HAS CAUSED HER TO ACT VERY STRANGELY.
IT'S TURNED HER INTO A GEOPHAGE,
WHICH MEANT SHE LIKED TO EAT DIRT.
- GEOPHAGIA IS A DISORDER WHERE A PERSON
IS EITHER EATING THE DIRT
BECAUSE THEY'RE LACKING SOMETHING NUTRITIONALLY,
OR BECAUSE THEY'RE USING IT
TO MANAGE THEIR ANXIETY AND STRESS.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY DIRT, SHEILA?
- FOR SHEILA, ROCKY ROAD WAS A BIG BOWL
OF MARTY'S ORGANIC SOIL.
- SHEILA?
- BUT WHAT SHE DIDN'T REALIZE
WAS THAT MARTY'S DIRT WAS A HOMEMADE MIXTURE
OF COMPOST AND HIS OWN WASTE MATTER.
- WHEN SOMEONE INGESTS FECAL MATTER,
THEY'RE INGESTING THE WASTE PRODUCT
OF OUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.
THEY CAN CONTRACT SEVERAL DISEASES,
ONE OF THOSE BEING E. COLI.
- SHEILA HAD CONTRACTED A VIRULENT STRAIN OF E. COLI.
HER SYMPTOMS INCLUDED NAUSEA AND DIARRHEA,
BUT NO FEVER.
SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD A MILD FLU
AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO SEE A DOCTOR.
BUT AFTER THREE DAYS,
THE E. COLI BACTERIA INFLAMED HER COLON
AND SPREAD THROUGHOUT HER DIGESTIVE TRACT.
EVENTUALLY, HER KIDNEYS BEGAN TO FAIL,
POISONING THE REST OF HER BODY.
WITHIN A WEEK, SHEILA WAS DEAD.
- THE MORE VIRULENT STRAINS OF E. COLI
CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE WHAT WE CALL BLOODY DIARRHEA.
AND THIS RESULTS IN NOT ONLY HEMORRHAGE
OR BLEEDING,
BUT IT CAN ACTUALLY INVADE THE KIDNEYS.
AND AT THIS POINT,
IT CAN OVERWHELM THE BODY'S DEFENSE MECHANISM.
- SHEILA ATE DIRT LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW.
AFTER CHOWING DOWN ON MARTY'S SOILED SOIL,
THERE WASN'T ANY.
- TWIST AND PULL!
- AN ANGRY FEMINIST WANTS TO CUT MEN DOWN TO SIZE
COMING UP.
- WELL, WOMEN... - TAKE COVER, MEN.
- FIGHT BACK!
- THE VERY THINGS WE HOLD PRECIOUS
ARE UNDER ATTACK.
- MEN ARE A DISEASE.
- THIS IS FRIDA.
SHE'S THE FOUNDER OF AN ULTRA RADICAL GROUP
OF FEMINISTS CALLED "CENTURIES OF WOMYN"
OR C.O.W.
- ALL WAR, ALL VIOLENCE, ALL AGGRESSION ON PLANET EARTH
IS CAUSED BY MEN.
- THE C.O.W.s ARE A CULT OF MAN HATERS
WITH FRIDA AS THEIR MESSIANIC LEADER.
THINK DAVID KORESH IN A PUSH-UP BRA.
- TESTICLES ARE A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!
- MEN ARE CONSIDERED ENEMIES DUE TO THEIR INNATE NATURE
OF WANTING AND EVEN NEEDING TO CONTROL OTHER GROUPS
AND HAVE POWER.
ESPECIALLY IN THE WORLD OF CAPITALISM,
WHERE MEN SEIZE THE POWER OF CORPORATIONS
AND SOCIAL STRUCTURES FOR THEIR OWN GENDER.
- THE C.O.W.s ARE TOTALLY UNDERGROUND
AND HAVE BEEN LINKED WITH SEVERAL INCIDENTS
INVOLVING HUMILIATING ACTS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE
ON UNSUSPECTING MEN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
- TWIST AND PULL!
[chanting "twist and pull"]
- RALLY OVER, THE FIERY FRIDA
WOULD HEAD BACK TO HER HOTEL ROOM
AND UNWIND THE BEST WAY SHE KNEW HOW.
SOMETIMES A WOMAN'S BEST FRIEND IS BATTERY-POWERED.
A NEW VIBRATOR SENT BY HER LOVER BACK HOME
NEEDED A WORKOUT.
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT AS EXPECTED.
- AH! AH! OW! OH.
OH. OH.
- IT WASN'T A VIBRATOR HER LOVER SENT TO HER.
IT WAS A 1,000 KILOVOLT ELECTRIC SHOCK DEVICE.
WHAT THE C.O.W.s REFERRED TO AS A "MANSWER."
FRIDA'S NEW ANTI-MAN DEVICE SENT A SHOCK
THROUGH HER SYSTEM THAT SHUT HER UP FOREVER.
- EVEN THOUGH THE TASING WAS HAPPENING
FROM AN AREA DISTANT FROM THE HEART,
IT INDUCED VENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION
WHEREBY THE HEART IS UNABLE TO PUMP BLOOD OUT PROPERLY
ENOUGH TO INDUCE CARDIAC ARREST AND SHE DIED.
AFFECTIVELY, SHE STIMULATED HERSELF TO DEATH.
- IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!
- FRIDA FORMED THE C.O.W.s
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO WAGE WAR ON MEN.
[chanting "twist and pull"]
MEN, WE CAN BREATHE EASIER NOW THAT...
- AH. AH! OH.
- FRIDA CAN'T.
Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com
- ¶ IT'S ORIGINAL ¶